Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Moment of Clarity

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{Shirt: H&M Thrifted Savers, Jacket: Thrifted Dress for Success, Jeans: American Eagle, Wedges: Marshalls, Beanie: Walmart, Necklace: H&M}

Well. Today was the day I was born...you know..my birthday. Usually I am anticipating this day and planning and talking about it..but for some reason it just came...and then I was like...ummm crap...I was born on my dad's birthday too...and even he was calling me to see what I was doing. If it weren't for my friends I probably would have done a whole lot of nothing. Don't get me wrong.I am SOOO happy...and totally not upset about getting a year older...actually..these 3 years in my 30's have been the best of my life. But then I did something this morning that I hadn't done in a while...I reached for my cell phone... to call my mom...yep...I did it...I FULL on grabbed it and began dialing a number which I apparently haven't forgotten...I burst into tears and got really upset. DING. Light bulb...Is that why I have not been excited? Funny...usually when things are bad you think about those you miss...but lately...things are fabulous and I miss my mom most. I want to tell her about all the dreams that have come true and the planning...planning of a life that I am so happy to have...These pictures were taken on a road to Park City, Utah this past weekend for Sundance...the hubby and I and our two labs packed the car and went on a road trip...aside from the 45 hour drive haha and the freezing cold...we had such an amazing time...we talked...we laughed..we ate...and we took the best 2 hour nap of my life...see when you turn 30 naps are like totally awesome and really do help you press the recharge button...anyway...I was relaxed and happy all weekend...on the drive home I got sad again and I'm not sure why...again...life is awesome...why the heck am I sad...I was starting to feel ungrateful and angry that I was so sad...THEN I was angry and sad and guilty...THEN the hubby wanted to talk about life...and kids...and when we were starting a family...and then I got REALLY ANGRY...LIKE SO ANGRY I wanted to jump out of the car. Do you guys get like this or is it just my crazy butt... I was ANXIOUS, ANGRY, SAD...crap...I was even HUNGRY....I quickly closed my eyes and took another nap on the drive to hopefully get over this insane allergic reaction to happiness..."OH LOOK SHANA Everything is going awesome and you are a GRUMP. that is...until this morning...when I finally realized that I was just feeling a moment of clarity...that moment when you see things...for what they are...and realize that life passes us by and sometimes we don't take a minute to just be with things....maybe that's why all my emotions got the best of me...maybe I don't allow myself to really just be with things...ughh who knows...sorry for the rambling...I really didn't know what to say but thought...well it's my birthday I better post something...ahh well...Thank you to all of you who have been so supportive over the past year...it is because of you that I have stepped out of my own way and really gone for the things I dream of...the things I long for....and I thank you for being a friend even if it is across a computer...Happy Birthday to my father who I was so rude to on the phone this morning... because all I wanted to do was tell him I love him and that I am honored to share this day with him...hopefully I will get out of this MOOD and get on with my day...until then I will cry if I want to...cuz it's my party...
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8 comments

  1. I hope you and your father can end this day with much joy, laughter and smiles...it is a day you deserve to jump and dance....he also deserves rejoicing!! happy birthday!

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  2. Happy Birthday and I hope it's amazing! I enjoyed those words because they touched me in a special place! Keep making your dreams come true!

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  3. Don't even worry about all of those emotions you're going through. I'm not in my 30s so you probably think "what does she know?" But I do know that emotions are completely normal. I always joke around and say that I get angry and cry because I'm passionate. lol. So that's one way of looking at it. You get angry and sad because you CARE. It means you have morals and feelings. It also means you value the good things in life. I tend to cry a lot after I overcome a huge obstacle or tribulation in my life....or especially during it lol.

    These pictures are amazing! I really like this outfit. I absolutely LOVE the snow. You're lucky you got to walk through it :)

    And last but not least...HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you and your dad! I hope you two have the BEST and happiest day ever!

    xo Azu

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  4. happy birthday t happens to the best last year i was a total grump too bt that cause m husband wouldnt ake me to a photo booth : the one lil thng i wanted, hopefully ths year wll be better. i wanted to do a photo strip every year wth my daughter cause we also share the same bday :) but also because of that am over me havng fun, its her day now

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  5. Give yourself permission to feel all of those things. I hope tomorrow is better .Happy Birthday

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  6. Happy Birthday Shana!! I cannot wait to celebrate with you this weekend!!! Your moment of clarity was needed...it sounds like you haven't had much time to let your brain wonder on its own in a while. (You know you constantly stay busy.) Its crazy where your mind can take you once you get away from the normal Mon-Fri routine, or just when you turn off the car stereo. Sometimes I stay busy just not to hear that inner voice of mine talk to me crazy or reveal thoughts I have been supressing. I have definetly have had similar thoughts except the kids part...I'm not ready!!!!! But secretly I know you are. Anyway, I hope you had a beautiful day. Just press your mental reset button and start over darling. 2013will be beautiful! Luv ya!

    P.E.

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  7. Happy Birthday! Definitely know how it is to all of a sudden feel like that. I find my self doing it when I'm alone and have time to think. But you are right, life IS great and we most definitely should be grateful for our many blessings. Hope you can have a great birthday weekend! Hugs.

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  8. This was a very emotional/touching post. Thank you for sharing.

    I felt the same way about my birthday as well this year. But luckily my friends/family surprised me and planned a party. I hadn't wanted to do anything at all, this year. But I turned 30...so you know.

    I'm grateful to have them but you are so right, I can relate to this post in so many ways...and no you're not the only that feels this way.

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THANK YOU to everyone for making me laugh and smile everyday! I love reading every comment and will always do my best to reply!
Love Always,
Shana

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