Thursday, July 22, 2010

Remembering Mom...

It has been almost 4 years since I lost my mother



There is such a rush of panic that overwhelms me when I think that she is gone. It's hard to believe, but I forget everyday. It's almost like I am reminded that she isn't here rather than remembering her. There were so many times I picked up the phone to call her this year.

When I turned 30, when my dad threw a party for me and made the best salmon he has ever made to date ( he is a ridiculously good cook, and he catered the party, but the only thing people complimented was this ridiculously tasty salmon), my sister getting her masters in marriage and family counseling, my new antique table for our dining room to celebrate holidays and friends, passover dinner, Sunday barbecues at the towers, when I wasn't feeling good and all I wanted was chicken and rice like my mom used to make and a hug, my random panic attacks in the middle of the day whist driving and listening to indie rock i.e. depression music :O)

I've said it before and I shall say it again, I only hope to accomplish the amazing things she did while she was here.


    


When I lost my mother I was told something that I always remind myself when I find that the day gets too hard to get through. It was our Rabbi who said, everyone was put on this earth to do something, a mission or simply to change someones life, everyone has a purpose. Though we don't understand why these people leave us, it is the understanding that when these special people leave us their work here is complete. I will never understand, but I found it easier to forgive, though selfish I want her to be here when I finally have a dining room table, when I become famous and star next to Brandon and Dylan in the new 90120, when adam and I start our family and I become a mom, on my sisters wedding day...I'm mad MAD, that she will not be here. She deserves to be here, and I am MAD. that's right, and sometimes I try to act like it is what it is, and life happens...but I am still MAD and I just don't get it. I'm scared to start a family, I'm not going to have my mom here to help me, or give me a advice. And the worst part is all of my friends have had children, ALL OF THEM, and sometimes I just watch them and wonder how am I going to even make it through a pregnancy without totally falling into an emotional mess and crawl up in a corner and eat nothing but french fries and peanut butter. wheeew..sorry, I kinda got carried away there. I want to be strong for everyone but sometimes you get home and you end up alone dealing with all of the emotions you haven't shared with anyone.

She passed on July 26, 2007, she was an amazing daughter, wife, mother, nurse. She never had road rage or got upset. She always saw the good in people and always wanted to help in anyway. She was a thrifter who made everything look amazing, she spoke 5 languages and pronounced the word delicate " deliiiiiiicauttttt" She was sick most of her life but never showed any sign of pain. She loved life, she loved us, and always wanted to learn more. She believed in the power of the mind and healing. She never wanted to be a victim and always fought for what she believed in. I can't believe she isn't here, but we will continue to keep her memory alive by sharing stories with everyone we meet.

Almost 7 nurses at UNLV have benefited from the Yaffa Dahan Nursing Dissertation scholarship. Check out the latest recipient!

Ok I am sure I will write more next week....on to my fashion
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4 comments

  1. Shana...my heart goes out to you- especially this time of year. There are no "right" words to say. I think the fact that you do your best to remember her and live your life trying to make her proud is the best thing you can do. I love you Shana!

    And P.S.....

    Ummm..."ALL" of your friends have children? Really? ALL????? :-|

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  2. This post made my heart hurt :-( You are a strong woman, such beautiful words about her. She is def. looking down on you and proud I'm sure!

    http://jennymayandswede.blogspot.com/

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  3. Wow what a beautiful post. I just came by your blog and its so heart touching. I send my best healing prayers to you and your family. xo

    http://www.positivenav.blogspot.com/

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  4. I can't believe it's been that long that she's been gone already- wow, how time really flies. Thank you for sharing your memories of her, it's obvious what an amazing woman she was because of the amazing daughters that she raised. What a beautiful post to honor your mom!

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THANK YOU to everyone for making me laugh and smile everyday! I love reading every comment and will always do my best to reply!
Love Always,
Shana

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